All the news of the Y&R Table Hockey League
There is now a league deadline to get all games in. The date?
June 5th.
Playoffs will begin shortly after that.
Also, the All-Star game will be held next week, Wednesday, May 27th at 5pm so get your skills up for the competition and the mini-tourney.
-The Commish
THE BUNKER, TORONTO ONTARIO:
BY: DAMIAN COXE LIKE REPORTER
The Y&R THL Leafs have lost another game.
Surprise surprise.
With only one win in 9 games, the Leafs are setting a Y&R THL record for futility.
“We’ve got to turn this season around,” said the tablehockey Dan Daoust.
“I’m not sure who my linemates are,” said a stunned mini-Rick Vaive.
“I’ve let in so many goals –” said tablehockeygoalie Allan Bester. “Help.”
The Leafs look like they’re trying to get next year’s first round draft pick. Problem is, there is no draft.
Toronto
Yesterday in a Y&RTHL first, the Montreal Canadiens very own Ken Dryden answered an in and out from the opposing NY Rangers with his own slapper straight across the arena sinking a definitive goal. Dryden is the very first goalie in the league to ever score a goal and what a goal it was. This reporter was in attendance and glad he paid full price for his ticket. What a goal! This may just get Dryen into the Y&RTHL Hall of Fame.
Immediately following the goal, Dryden stopped play, licked his lips and said, “Did, did you see that?” but he wasn’t asking a question, he knew the answer. NY saw the goal but only after it was in the net.
What a game.
New York, NEW YORK
Start singing the blues Chicago. Because right now the New York Rangers appear to be the team to beat. After a highly anticipated three game series between the two juggernauts, the mighty, and highly favoured Blackhawks couldn’t muster even one win away from the boys from the big apple.
The scores? 4-1, 3-2, and 5-3.
“I know the Rangers played well. But I would like to point out that our team did feel sorry for them having to wear rather boring jerseys. So we thought we’d lift their spirits and score 5 goals for them throughout the match-ups. Did it back fire? Well, yes. I guess it did.” says coach Harper. “But they still have boring uniforms. Us, we’ve got a scary Indian dude who is ready to scalp innocent maidens on our jerseys. What do they have? Letters. R-A-N-G-E-R-S. Ooooooo. Scary.”
Although Harper is quick to throw out taunting smack talk, it doesn’t change the fact that the non-threatening team from NYC beat the Hawks by a combined score of 12-6.
“12-6? Take away the 5 we scored for them and they only beat us 7-6. Which at least a little less sucky. Like their uniforms.” remarks Harper.
Y&R THL Headquarters, Toronto, ON
It’s a Y&R THL first. Earlier today, Commissioner Govang said, “In the coming weeks, exact date still TBD, I am instating the first-ever All-Star Tournament and Skills Competition. That’s right, Skills Competition.” As the cameras flashed, Govang raised his hand with authority, “What do I have to do to get you to not take pictures of me while I am speaking?! Put down the cameras and pick up the tape recorders and pens or this press conference is over!”
After the league intern, Matt Robinson, finished massaging Govang’s shoulders, instantly calming him down, he continued, “I will confer with the teams and pick a night after work where we hold the All-Star tourney; a single elimination event with the winner being the only team not to lose. But the most exciting news is that before the All-Star games, we are going to hold the Skills Competition. Each team will select their best players to compete in 3 events highlighting the significant skills that only a lifetime of practice can achieve. The three events will be as follows:
1. Fanciest goal – You want to WOW the fans. Three chances to sink it in the net. Player with the coolest trick shot wins.
2. Speed passing – Fastest player to pass the puck to each player on the ice and finishing with a goal. Every position must at least touch the puck. Fastest time wins.
3. Longest shot – Each team will get three chances to shoot the puck around the boards to see who gets the puck the farthest. Farthest distance wins.
So there you have it ladies and gents of the press. We are very excited up here in the management box and look forward to an exciting event. This will be the most exciting season of table hockey yet. This would not be possible if the way were not paved by the previous Commish.
There will be chips ahoy cookies, Lays chips and free beer available during the event. Tickets will go on sale starting at 10am tomorrow at ticketmaster.com. Feel free to take my picture now.”
This should be a very entertaining season and we, here at La Gazette in Montreal, can’t wait to report on the events as they unfold. We have already spotted teams practicing. This is going to be good.
Toronto/Montreal/New York/Boston/Detroit/Chicago
On a sunny Thursday afternoon at YRTHL headquarters in Toronto, breaking news took place and only we are here to bring it you. The following is a quote from the newly appointed Commissioner of the YRTHL recorded earlier today at a live press conference just outside the IFC:
“Good Afternoon hockey fans, I would like to take this opportunity to introduce myself. But first I would like you all to hold off on photographs during the press conference. The flashes are distracting.
Some of you may know me from previous films such as ‘The Spy who loved me’ or when I was better known as team Sweden in Season 2 and 3. Like the great one himself, William Shatner, I have decided to take a more active roll in running the day to day business of the league and have been appointed as the Commissioner of the new season of YRTHL, a.k.a The Serious Six. I expect big things from the league this season and some exciting things happened earlier today which I will outline in a minute. But first, I would like to thank the outgoing Commish for suggesting that I be an unbiased Commish of the new season. As you may or may not know, I am elated to be the new Commish and will take my job as serious as Robert Fraser takes his role as the Chairman of the Toronto FDA. What that means is two fold; first, the league comes before the individual team, and second, if you upset me, I will rip your fucking face off.
Now onto the exciting news that developed earlier today. As most of you know, there were 2 draws held earlier today. The first, to determine position in team name picking and the second, to determine conferences. Here are the team captains and their team names:
Blain Harper – Chicago Blackhawks
Michael Collins – Toronto Maple Leafs
Michael Tung – Detroit Red Wings
Shravan Sadhwani – Montreal Canadiens
James Roth – New York Rangers
Matt Johnson – Boston Bruins
It is my endeavor to make this one of the most exciting seasons of table hockey to date and I will be announcing some exciting new events tomorrow that will take place in the coming weeks. I now invite you take my picture if you would like and please direct all questions you may have for me to the blog which will be poasted at tablehockey.wordpress.com. Lets have fun out there!! WooooooooooHoooooooooo!!
Thank you.”
Bay&Bloor, TORONTO
Early last week contact was made with a rival league, the Toronto Stiga Table Hockey League, or TSTHL. The league consists of approximately 15 teams that compete weekly in the Queen and River area. Representatives of the Y&R THL had a brief, but positive, discussion with their president at the prospect of pitting the best of both leagues against one another in an inter-league tournament.
Team owners in the Y&R THL are definitely excited and intrigued by the possibility of meeting a new crop of players. Quotes are ranging from “We’re going in cold. It’s like the ‘72 Summit Series. But we’ll bring our best and be as ready as we can be.” To, “Legion of Doom? After we’re done, he’ll be the Legion of Gloom.”
Quotes from one of their player’s, who has been frequenting our blog, and goes by a sorry ’80’s reference as a handle has dished out the following, “I heard a rumour that you clowns want to have a tournament with us. If it happens, welcome to the big leagues.”
A time and place has yet to be determined, but it is evident both sides are anxious to get down to business and decide once and for all who owns Toronto.
38,000 ft above Monaco
After a season long absence from the Y&R THL the Prince of Monaco, Prince Christopher, has returned. League insiders report that the Prince needed the time off in order for Monaco doctors to surgically replace the Prince’s old hip with a more technologically advanced, gold plated upper thigh. The monogrammed hip has already proven beneficial as fans have already spotted the Prince skating on his royal rink, located inside his team Lear.
Asked to comment on his new semi-bionic joint, Prince Christopher emerged from his female entourage to say, “This royal hipster is ready to play!”
Despite the Prince’s ho-hum pun, the league and all its teams are excited to see McGroarty lead his team back to the ice in Season IV.
BAY&BLOOR, TORONTO
After a record 25 league games in just under three days, there are already teams jockying for position as the Dark Horse. League insiders were initially calling for China to be the team to take the lead as the dark horse. But now other nations, specifically Kazakhstan, are calling out Kazakhstan as the team to watch.
“Kazakhstan is good. But they won’t progress. China is talented. They are progressing.” says one truth telling nation.
Other teams showing surprise results and who are racing to be the horse of dark hair are Slovenia and well, Slovenia.
2009 Ikea Brochure
In what some nations are saying is a disgrace in American hockey history, Team USA has hired on a new coach instead of allowing Jimmy James back as coach. It was an underhanded move by the Americans and some even say by the new Team USA coach, but Jimmy James wont say that at least not in public.
What will be Team USA’s loss will now be TEAM SWEDEN’s gain as both nations have swapped coaches. In related news the Fox Sports Channel is introducing a new reality TV show called COACH SWAP and they will follow the seasons of both Sweden and USA very closely.
Jimmy James was introduced earlier today as Team Sweden’s new head coach and they have already started treating him like a king by giving him the key to the Country and his very own castle filled with Ikea furniture.
Mats Sundin was quoted as saying “There were rumours of this happening that is why I am coming out of retirement, I didn’t want to play for Randy anymore, he couldn’t teach me a thing, the players didn’t like his coaching style that’s why we gave up on him in the playoffs and lost. As soon as I heard it was Jimmy James I started training again and I will be joing the team again as the captain and lead my nation with the help of Jimmy James back to glory and as the hockey nation powerhouse that we were before Randy took over our team”
Later in the day Jimmy James spoke with the great press of Sweden and spoke in his new native language. “Thank you Sweden for naming me the coach of Team Sweden, I will help restore your national pride when it comes to the game of hockey. I will make it my mission to make sure Team USA regrets backstabbing me like they have done. We will be proud of the great Gold and Blue, my nieces and nephew who are American are very said to hear that I’m not the coach of Team USA but are thrilled that their new bedrooms are furnished by Ikea. TEAM SWEDEN ALL THE WAY!”
SWEDISH NEWS:
Ikea Broschyren I själv något nation siar är en vanära i Amerikanen hockey historia , Slå sig ihop USA har hyra på en ny turistbuss i stället för tillåt Jimmy James rygg så turistbuss. Den var en lömskt flytta vid Amerikanerna och något jämn säga vid den ny Slå sig ihop USA turistbuss , utom Jimmy James wont säga så pass det vill si inte offentlig. Vad vilja bli Slå sig ihop USA’s förlust vilja nu bli SLÅ SIG IHOP Sverige vinna så båda nation har bytet turistbuss. I berättat nyheter räven Sports Kanal är införa en ny realiteten TV utställning alarmerat TURISTBUSS BYTA och de vilja följa efter det årstider av båda Sverige och USA mycket undersök saken grundlig. Jimmy James var introducerat tidig idag så Slå sig ihop Sverige ny huvud turistbuss och de har redan startat behandlande honom lik en kung vid gav honom nyckeln till Land och hans mycket äga slottet fyllt med Ikea möbler. Matta Söndagen var citerat så ordstav ” där var ryktena av den här skedde den där er varför JAG kommer ute om avskildheten , JAG gjorde icke vilja till lek för Tillfällig mer , han kunde undervisa jag en sak , spelarna gjorde icke lik hans turistbuss titulera den där er varför vi gav upp på honom inne om playoffs och förlorad. Snarast JAG hörde den var Jimmy James JAG startat bildning igen och Jag vill bli förena spannen igen så kapten och leda min nation med det hjälp av Jimmy James rygg till ära och så den hockey nation powerhouse så pass vi var framför Tillfällig tog över vår slå sig ihop ” Senare på dagen Jimmy James eker med det stor pressa av Sverige och eker i hans ny inföding språk. ” tack själv Sverige för benämnande jag den turistbuss av Slå sig ihop Sverige , Jag vill hjälp restaurera din nationell stolthet när den kommer till spelen av hockey. Jag vill göra den min delegationen till göra säker Slå sig ihop USA ledsnaden backstabbing jag lik de har gjort. Vi vill bli stolt om stor Guld och Blå , min brorsdotter och brorson vem de/vi/du/ni är Amerikanen de/vi/du/ni är mycket sa till höra så pass Jag er inte den turistbuss av Slå sig ihop USA utom de/vi/du/ni är rysare så pass deras ny sängkammare de/vi/du/ni är förse vid Ikea. SLÅ SIG IHOP SVERIGE All väg en! “
