All the news of the Y&R Table Hockey League
There is now a league deadline to get all games in. The date?
June 5th.
Playoffs will begin shortly after that.
Also, the All-Star game will be held next week, Wednesday, May 27th at 5pm so get your skills up for the competition and the mini-tourney.
-The Commish
THE BUNKER, TORONTO ONTARIO:
BY: DAMIAN COXE LIKE REPORTER
The Y&R THL Leafs have lost another game.
Surprise surprise.
With only one win in 9 games, the Leafs are setting a Y&R THL record for futility.
“We’ve got to turn this season around,” said the tablehockey Dan Daoust.
“I’m not sure who my linemates are,” said a stunned mini-Rick Vaive.
“I’ve let in so many goals –” said tablehockeygoalie Allan Bester. “Help.”
The Leafs look like they’re trying to get next year’s first round draft pick. Problem is, there is no draft.
Toronto
Yesterday in a Y&RTHL first, the Montreal Canadiens very own Ken Dryden answered an in and out from the opposing NY Rangers with his own slapper straight across the arena sinking a definitive goal. Dryden is the very first goalie in the league to ever score a goal and what a goal it was. This reporter was in attendance and glad he paid full price for his ticket. What a goal! This may just get Dryen into the Y&RTHL Hall of Fame.
Immediately following the goal, Dryden stopped play, licked his lips and said, “Did, did you see that?” but he wasn’t asking a question, he knew the answer. NY saw the goal but only after it was in the net.
What a game.
New York, NEW YORK
Start singing the blues Chicago. Because right now the New York Rangers appear to be the team to beat. After a highly anticipated three game series between the two juggernauts, the mighty, and highly favoured Blackhawks couldn’t muster even one win away from the boys from the big apple.
The scores? 4-1, 3-2, and 5-3.
“I know the Rangers played well. But I would like to point out that our team did feel sorry for them having to wear rather boring jerseys. So we thought we’d lift their spirits and score 5 goals for them throughout the match-ups. Did it back fire? Well, yes. I guess it did.” says coach Harper. “But they still have boring uniforms. Us, we’ve got a scary Indian dude who is ready to scalp innocent maidens on our jerseys. What do they have? Letters. R-A-N-G-E-R-S. Ooooooo. Scary.”
Although Harper is quick to throw out taunting smack talk, it doesn’t change the fact that the non-threatening team from NYC beat the Hawks by a combined score of 12-6.
“12-6? Take away the 5 we scored for them and they only beat us 7-6. Which at least a little less sucky. Like their uniforms.” remarks Harper.
Y&R THL Headquarters, Toronto, ON
It’s a Y&R THL first. Earlier today, Commissioner Govang said, “In the coming weeks, exact date still TBD, I am instating the first-ever All-Star Tournament and Skills Competition. That’s right, Skills Competition.” As the cameras flashed, Govang raised his hand with authority, “What do I have to do to get you to not take pictures of me while I am speaking?! Put down the cameras and pick up the tape recorders and pens or this press conference is over!”
After the league intern, Matt Robinson, finished massaging Govang’s shoulders, instantly calming him down, he continued, “I will confer with the teams and pick a night after work where we hold the All-Star tourney; a single elimination event with the winner being the only team not to lose. But the most exciting news is that before the All-Star games, we are going to hold the Skills Competition. Each team will select their best players to compete in 3 events highlighting the significant skills that only a lifetime of practice can achieve. The three events will be as follows:
1. Fanciest goal – You want to WOW the fans. Three chances to sink it in the net. Player with the coolest trick shot wins.
2. Speed passing – Fastest player to pass the puck to each player on the ice and finishing with a goal. Every position must at least touch the puck. Fastest time wins.
3. Longest shot – Each team will get three chances to shoot the puck around the boards to see who gets the puck the farthest. Farthest distance wins.
So there you have it ladies and gents of the press. We are very excited up here in the management box and look forward to an exciting event. This will be the most exciting season of table hockey yet. This would not be possible if the way were not paved by the previous Commish.
There will be chips ahoy cookies, Lays chips and free beer available during the event. Tickets will go on sale starting at 10am tomorrow at ticketmaster.com. Feel free to take my picture now.”
This should be a very entertaining season and we, here at La Gazette in Montreal, can’t wait to report on the events as they unfold. We have already spotted teams practicing. This is going to be good.
Bay&Bloor, TORONTO
Early last week contact was made with a rival league, the Toronto Stiga Table Hockey League, or TSTHL. The league consists of approximately 15 teams that compete weekly in the Queen and River area. Representatives of the Y&R THL had a brief, but positive, discussion with their president at the prospect of pitting the best of both leagues against one another in an inter-league tournament.
Team owners in the Y&R THL are definitely excited and intrigued by the possibility of meeting a new crop of players. Quotes are ranging from “We’re going in cold. It’s like the ‘72 Summit Series. But we’ll bring our best and be as ready as we can be.” To, “Legion of Doom? After we’re done, he’ll be the Legion of Gloom.”
Quotes from one of their player’s, who has been frequenting our blog, and goes by a sorry ’80’s reference as a handle has dished out the following, “I heard a rumour that you clowns want to have a tournament with us. If it happens, welcome to the big leagues.”
A time and place has yet to be determined, but it is evident both sides are anxious to get down to business and decide once and for all who owns Toronto.
38,000 ft above Monaco
After a season long absence from the Y&R THL the Prince of Monaco, Prince Christopher, has returned. League insiders report that the Prince needed the time off in order for Monaco doctors to surgically replace the Prince’s old hip with a more technologically advanced, gold plated upper thigh. The monogrammed hip has already proven beneficial as fans have already spotted the Prince skating on his royal rink, located inside his team Lear.
Asked to comment on his new semi-bionic joint, Prince Christopher emerged from his female entourage to say, “This royal hipster is ready to play!”
Despite the Prince’s ho-hum pun, the league and all its teams are excited to see McGroarty lead his team back to the ice in Season IV.
BAY&BLOOR, TORONTO
After a record 25 league games in just under three days, there are already teams jockying for position as the Dark Horse. League insiders were initially calling for China to be the team to take the lead as the dark horse. But now other nations, specifically Kazakhstan, are calling out Kazakhstan as the team to watch.
“Kazakhstan is good. But they won’t progress. China is talented. They are progressing.” says one truth telling nation.
Other teams showing surprise results and who are racing to be the horse of dark hair are Slovenia and well, Slovenia.
The Y&R Table Hockey League is getting ready for its fourth season. The league has reverted to an International competition. There are some familiar teams, and some new ones, and even a controversial coaching change. Here is a team by team breakdown so far.
OLD STANDBYS:
Harpov – Russia: The three-time Y&R THL champ is back with his Season I and Season II winning squad.
Canuck – Canada: Mick Canuck hopes a strong centre with Sid Crosby, and Captain RW with Jarome Iginla brings the glory back to Canada.
Sadhwani – Nigeria: Sadhwani took his LA Kings squad to the finals in Season III. He hopes to continue his winning ways in Season IV — with Mobo back in net.
Johnson – Poland: Matt Johnson led Altanta. Now he’s back at the helm of Poland. Czerkawski, Oliwa, and – oh ya – that Vazichek guy that smokes a pack a cigarettes on the ice during the game.
Tung – China: Tung has experienced more success adopting the wide stance style of play. Now he hopes that he keep the goals out with his goalie, “Great Wall” Tung Jr.
Seegobin – Kazakhstan: Seegobin missed the playoffs by 2 points in season III – pinning all his Leaf hopes on NIk Antropov. He’s going to have to do that again with his Kazakh team.
Kess – Switzerland: The Swiss Chocolateer is back and ready to take season IV sitting down.
Gallinger – Belarus: Bill LaRoose is back coaching, and his team is ready: “The Belarus team has continued their rigorous training throughout their time away from league play and look forward to bringing a little something extra to their already solid style of play,” said Laroose.
NEW TEAMS FOR FAMILIAR COACHES
Govang – USA: Coach Tex Govang will be in charge of Team USA hockey this year. The team couldn’t come to contract terms with former coach Jimmy James Roth.
Stollar – Germany: Germany have lost former coach Payne, but have brought on Mike Stollar.
West – North Korea: The former coach of Finland was vacationing, This line here has been censored by North Korea- and now he’s coaching the North Korean men’s national team.
Kelly – Ireland: Chase Kelly will be leading the Irish this year.
FREE AGENT COACHES STILL NOT LINKED WITH A TEAM:
Epstein.
Roth.
Borwick.
NOTABLE TEAMS STILL WITHOUT COACHES:
Finland.
Sweden.
Czech Republic.
Slovakia.
PROPAGANDA TIMES & OBAMA TRIBUTE
In a bizzare twist to the start of the Y&RTHL times, it seems that there will be two American teams in the Y&RTHL this season. The womens American team will be lead by Randy Govang while the Mens American team will be lead by returning head coach and preferred coached of the national team Jimmy James Roth.
Jimmy James was quoted as saying to the Commish
“I think Randy picked the USA Woman’s team…so I’ll be TEAM USA MEN’S TEAM.
Otherwise I challenge Randy to a best out of 3 series for the rights of Team USA.
Or USA will enter two teams into the league this year because they have that much talent in their great nation. What would the league be if Jimmy James wasn’t leading the American’s to the final where they would ultimatly lose to Harpov? This year will be different mark Team USA words”
Reporters are waiting to see what the Woman’s Team USA Coach Randy has to say about Jimmy James’ challenge or has Randy just laided claim to USA out of spite as his team has fallen from the Yahoo Hockey pool’s graces.
Only time will tell.
