The Y&R Table Hockey League’s coach of the Penguins visited the famed Crosby family dryer yesterday in the Nova Scotia Sports Hall of Fame.

“It was quite and experience,” said the GM. “It was quite dented and marked up.”

The GM hopes the Pens can bang out some victories this year in the Y&R THL.

“We’re looking forward to a good season,” he said.

Many people have been wondering if the league is still in operation. And the answer is yes. However due to the overwhelming amount of work here at the agency, we are taking an all-star break. But we should be back and running after the Olympics.

Stay tuned.

June 5th.

Playoffs will begin shortly after that.

Also, the All-Star game will be held next week, Wednesday, May 27th at 5pm so get your skills up for the competition and the mini-tourney.

-The Commish

BY: DAMIAN COXE LIKE REPORTER

The Y&R THL Leafs have lost another game.

Surprise surprise.

With only one win in 9 games, the Leafs are setting a Y&R THL record for futility.
“We’ve got to turn this season around,” said the tablehockey Dan Daoust.

“I’m not sure who my linemates are,” said a stunned mini-Rick Vaive.

“I’ve let in so many goals –” said tablehockeygoalie Allan Bester. “Help.”

The Leafs look like they’re trying to get next year’s first round draft pick. Problem is, there is no draft.

Yesterday in a Y&RTHL first, the Montreal Canadiens very own Ken Dryden answered an in and out from the opposing NY Rangers with his own slapper straight across the arena sinking a definitive goal. Dryden is the very first goalie in the league to ever score a goal and what a goal it was. This reporter was in attendance and glad he paid full price for his ticket. What a goal! This may just get Dryen into the Y&RTHL Hall of Fame.

“he wasn’t asking a question,

he knew the answer”

Immediately following the goal, Dryden stopped play, licked his lips and said, “Did, did you see that?” but he wasn’t asking a question, he knew the answer. NY saw the goal but only after it was in the net.

What a game.

Start singing the blues Chicago. Because right now the New York Rangers appear to be the team to beat. After a highly anticipated three game series between the two juggernauts, the mighty, and highly favoured Blackhawks couldn’t muster even one win away from the boys from the big apple.

The scores? 4-1, 3-2, and 5-3.

“I know the Rangers played well. But I would like to point out that our team did feel sorry for them having to wear rather boring jerseys. So we thought we’d lift their spirits and score 5 goals for them throughout the match-ups. Did it back fire? Well, yes. I guess it did.” says coach Harper. “But they still have boring uniforms. Us, we’ve got a scary Indian dude who is ready to scalp innocent maidens on our jerseys. What do they have? Letters. R-A-N-G-E-R-S. Ooooooo. Scary.”

Although Harper is quick to throw out taunting smack talk, it doesn’t change the fact that the non-threatening team from NYC beat the Hawks by a combined score of 12-6. 

“12-6? Take away the 5 we scored for them and they only beat us 7-6. Which at least a little less sucky. Like their uniforms.” remarks Harper.

It’s a Y&R THL first. Earlier today, Commissioner Govang said, “In the coming weeks, exact date still TBD, I am instating the first-ever All-Star Tournament and Skills Competition. That’s right, Skills Competition.” As the cameras flashed, Govang raised his hand with authority, “What do I have to do to get you to not take pictures of me while I am speaking?! Put down the cameras and pick up the tape recorders and pens or this press conference is over!”

After the league intern, Matt Robinson, finished massaging Govang’s shoulders, instantly calming him down, he continued, “I will confer with the teams and pick a night after work where we hold the All-Star tourney; a single elimination event with the winner being the only team not to lose. But the most exciting news is that before the All-Star games, we are going to hold the Skills Competition. Each team will select their best players to compete in 3 events highlighting the significant skills that only a lifetime of practice can achieve. The three events will be as follows:

1. Fanciest goal – You want to WOW the fans. Three chances to sink it in the net. Player with the coolest trick shot wins.

2. Speed passing – Fastest player to pass the puck to each player on the ice and finishing with a goal. Every position must at least touch the puck. Fastest time wins.

3. Longest shot – Each team will get three chances to shoot the puck around the boards to see who gets the puck the farthest. Farthest distance wins.

So there you have it ladies and gents of the press. We are very excited up here in the management box and look forward to an exciting event. This will be the most exciting season of table hockey yet. This would not be possible if the way were not paved by the previous Commish.

There will be chips ahoy cookies, Lays chips and free beer available during the event. Tickets will go on sale starting at 10am tomorrow at ticketmaster.com. Feel free to take my picture now.”

This should be a very entertaining season and we, here at La Gazette in Montreal, can’t wait to report on the events as they unfold. We have already spotted teams practicing. This is going to be good.

On a sunny Thursday afternoon at YRTHL headquarters in Toronto, breaking news took place and only we are here to bring it you. The following is a quote from the newly appointed Commissioner of the YRTHL recorded earlier today at a live press conference just outside the IFC:

“Good Afternoon hockey fans, I would like to take this opportunity to introduce myself. But first I would like you all to hold off on photographs during the press conference. The flashes are distracting.

Some of you may know me from previous films such as ‘The Spy who loved me’ or when I was better known as team Sweden in Season 2 and 3. Like the great one himself, William Shatner, I have decided to take a more active roll in running the day to day business of the league and have been appointed as the Commissioner of the new season of YRTHL, a.k.a The Serious Six. I expect big things from the league this season and some exciting things happened earlier today which I will outline in a minute. But first, I would like to thank the outgoing Commish for suggesting that I be an unbiased Commish of the new season. As you may or may not know, I am elated to be the new Commish and will take my job as serious as Robert Fraser takes his role as the Chairman of the Toronto FDA. What that means is two fold; first, the league comes before the individual team, and second, if you upset me, I will rip your fucking face off.

Now onto the exciting news that developed earlier today. As most of you know, there were 2 draws held earlier today. The first, to determine position in team name picking and the second, to determine conferences. Here are the team captains and their team names:

Blain Harper – Chicago Blackhawks

Michael Collins – Toronto Maple Leafs

Michael Tung – Detroit Red Wings

Shravan Sadhwani – Montreal Canadiens

James Roth – New York Rangers

Matt Johnson – Boston Bruins

It is my endeavor to make this one of the most exciting seasons of table hockey to date and I will be announcing some exciting new events tomorrow that will take place in the coming weeks. I now invite you take my picture if you would like and please direct all questions you may have for me to the blog which will be poasted at tablehockey.wordpress.com. Lets have fun out there!! WooooooooooHoooooooooo!!

Thank you.”

Early last week contact was made with a rival league, the Toronto Stiga Table Hockey League, or TSTHL. The league consists of approximately 15 teams that compete weekly in the Queen and River area. Representatives of the Y&R THL had a brief, but positive, discussion with their president at the prospect of pitting the best of both leagues against one another in an inter-league tournament.

Team owners in the  Y&R THL are definitely excited and intrigued by the possibility of meeting a new crop of players. Quotes are ranging from “We’re going in cold. It’s like the ’72 Summit Series. But we’ll bring our best and be as ready as we can be.” To, “Legion of Doom? After we’re done, he’ll be the Legion of Gloom.”

Quotes from one of their player’s, who has been frequenting our blog, and goes by a sorry ’80′s reference as a handle has dished out the following, “I heard a rumour that you clowns want to have a tournament with us. If it happens, welcome to the big leagues.”

A time and place has yet to be determined, but it is evident both sides are anxious to get down to business and decide once and for all who owns Toronto.

After a season long absence from the Y&R THL the Prince of Monaco, Prince Christopher, has returned. League insiders report that the Prince needed the time off in order for Monaco doctors to surgically replace the Prince’s old hip with a more technologically advanced, gold plated upper thigh. The monogrammed hip has already proven beneficial as fans have already spotted the Prince skating on his royal rink, located inside his team Lear.

Asked to comment on his new semi-bionic joint, Prince Christopher emerged from his female entourage to say, “This royal hipster is ready to play!”

Despite the Prince’s ho-hum pun, the league and all its teams are excited to see McGroarty lead his team back to the ice in Season IV.